Stitch it with forgiveness

For anyone who knows me and my husband, you will know that we're married just under two years.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer just nine months into our marriage.  From diagnosis until surgery took just two months.  We spent our first anniversary at dinner where we got married, a little over a month and a half after a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction.  Not your typical situation for anyone- let alone newlyweds. 

Our family plan had included trying for babies a year after the wedding.  Instead of planning a family we were planning my chemo treatments.  We were back and forth to doctor appointments and working around my health.  Thankfully my tumor wasn't hormonal.  That is why we were able to go through egg harvesting prior to surgery.  We have eight embryos in the 'freezer' waiting for us to start a family.  Hopefully we will have our wish one day. 

I can't help but think of babies all the time.  This is the time I'd be pregnant, had we not had cancer.  I'd most likely be in my 2nd-3rd trimester and we'd be preparing the baby's room, waiting for the surprise of a boy or girl.

The reason I'm writing about forgiveness is that I sometimes get so upset that my life took this turn.  It could be worse- the variables could have been so different- but I can't help but wish I had what I was supposed to have now.  It is hard to be forgiving when you can't see past your own upset.  I'm sorry that I had to do this and I know that when I do have my babies that it will be even that more special knowing what we've been through.  Forgiveness is hard to give, especially to yourself.  When I make baby hats I stitch them with love for them and forgiveness for myself.  It is too hard to be upset with yourself when things are out of your control... I am thankful for what I do have and how lucky I was to live- the alternative was surely death.  I look forward to where my life is heading- health and happy.